self reflection and shit

you know how it is to go through your phone book every evening....
wondering whom to call ....
hoping some one will listen...will agree to go out for dinner or may be a harmless coffee...
wanting to spend time with someone ...anyone ...not alone it is killing me now...(Jesus this is desperation)

went through my phonebook yet again....wondered .....called but well how lucky could i get,,,,
another lonely evening,,,,decided not to get bogged down,,,,ordered my pepperoni pizza...went for a shot drive,,,,,grabbed a frappe....smoked 3 ...tripped sitting in front of ccd...watchin ....luvin hating,,,,ppl moving around....and guess what Beatles played live for me...

the problem is that i am experiencing this for the first time in my lifetime...,never felt so lonely...so helpless...guess i have chosen this for me,,,,its like getting to know the real me...self reflection and shit, or rather forced self reflection..iam not exactly enjoying it...but ya its different then whateve i have been doing...ok enough iam loosing the plot,,,

I Seek

I seek darkness , after light blinded me

I seek pain , after joy made me crawl

I seek ugliness , after beauty vanished from within

I seek starvation , after my grub poisoned me

I seek storm , after the lull made me fall

I seek war , after peace killed the old me

I seek strangulation , after the air that suffocated me

I seek poverty , after the rich me let go all i had

I seek deception , after trust stabbed me in my back

I seek enemy , after my friends lusted my girl

I seek hatred , after my love turned ugly

I seek no future , after my past refused to stay put

I seek no new me , after the old me died yesterday

I seek death ,after my life walked off