self reflection and shit

you know how it is to go through your phone book every evening....
wondering whom to call ....
hoping some one will listen...will agree to go out for dinner or may be a harmless coffee...
wanting to spend time with someone ...anyone ...not alone it is killing me now...(Jesus this is desperation)

went through my phonebook yet again....wondered .....called but well how lucky could i get,,,,
another lonely evening,,,,decided not to get bogged down,,,,ordered my pepperoni pizza...went for a shot drive,,,,,grabbed a frappe....smoked 3 ...tripped sitting in front of ccd...watchin ....luvin hating,,,,ppl moving around....and guess what Beatles played live for me...

the problem is that i am experiencing this for the first time in my lifetime...,never felt so lonely...so helpless...guess i have chosen this for me,,,,its like getting to know the real me...self reflection and shit, or rather forced self reflection..iam not exactly enjoying it...but ya its different then whateve i have been doing...ok enough iam loosing the plot,,,

this aint me

just read all what i wrote..and shit i realised what a deppresed fuck i am..
the reality is i am an extreme optimist.
used to be really happy as well..
wonder what happned...
i think its just that i write when i am sad..
is it like that allways...
we become more expressive when we are sad....
or is that there are a lot of thoes fogies around when ur happy...
well i guess need to start writing when i am happy ....cause i hate this shit...

sunday morning

Sunday mornings….start with dizziness….its like a struggle
a struggle to stay in the bed…asleep
a struggle to complete my dreams from the week gone
a struggle to interpret what I couldn’t the day before
a struggle to see the signs I couldn’t see
a struggle to read the love in her eyes
a struggle to hear deceit in her voice
a struggle to search nothing of everything and everything of nothing hidden in the corners of my struggling soul

Its like a collating a jigsaw.
to view my ghosts,
to view my disturbed soul….
to view the one who let go
to view who didn’t
to view those I left behind
and those who did that to me..


And then the dizziness gives way to fear

the fear of what has gone wrong going wrong again
the fear of the blasts from the past
the fear of listening the screams from the past
the fear of voices so cold ,cutting through me again
the fear of missing the bus again and yet again
the fear to loose her and everyone yet again


Cant take no more…the light pierces me deep down…
How I used to love my Sunday mornings …well not anymore..dono why…

Well still love one thing about my Sunday…my masala chai…
Life is not that bad…or it is…dono…fuck it ,,tea is great though..

the biker me in goa.....

with wind hitting on my face .........metallica jarring in my ears here i am on the road again here i am upon the stage ...turn the page....every day i took this ride on my not so overwhelming 180 cc ....from parvorim to brittos ,,,and hell i luved it....

the 20 minute ride through green pastures that define green ....churches that defy time and religion....was not just a ride but a new journey ...a new journey every day...it was me and the one within me....a series of questions ,,,,a number of confessions,,,,,couple of answers ....and a single reality.

reality bytes ....but hell it sustains itself....its the sole truth....we are born alone ...well most of us...and die alone ...all of us....and surprisingly we live alone most of our life's,,,,,at least i do...or i am forced to....

but i think the only time i have been glad to be alone is during these bike rides....no one to talk...no one to pasture....no one to crib,,,,no one to care for....no one to judge.....no one to betray ,,,,...its the good old me,,,,,my ride.....who only asks for a lill over 50 bucks for 3 km....and my music....

probably the only reasons ill go back to goa alone would be these journeys....the self reflective....self abusing.,,,,self destructive....self confiding....self confessing....bike rides which go down my memory lanes as iconic journeys....

she

she thinks too much yet she reaches no conclusion
she seeks reality yet love living in this illusion

she is high on life and through all she rows
she is a sucker for love and that shows

she cries ,she laughs ,she sulks ,she snaps
she cribs , she shouts , she loves ,she taps

she is cheek , she is voguish , shes loves bling
she is casual ,shes ghetto , shes always the in thing

she surprises me amazes me all at the same time
she is dreamer shes a philosopher of of some kind

she nudges ,she judges , she critiques ,she share
she lights , she fights ,she bites but she cares

she designs , she redefines and she regenerates
she is flawless , shes raw and is carved to create

she is giving ,shes forgiving and hell she dares
to forget ,to experiment , to restart ,shes always there

she found love , she lost love and fuck she doesn't care
she is strong , she is phenomenal and god dam rare.

her day is dreamy and night is divine
her life is enviable but she knows to draw her line.

her eyes are dreamy brown and her mane shiny black
her hands are pretty and feet can make me a jack

she loves to be loved and hates to be hated
she waits to get for all that she waited

i can keep on writing for i know her so
ill can never hold her but just cant let her go

she will look around ,find love and wedding bells she will hear
if not , not to worry ,ill always be there..........

closure

closure of thoughts
closure of sought

closure of highs
closures of fears of falling down

closure of dreams
closure of them shattering

closure of wrongs
closure of claiming the wrongs are right

closure of war
closure of trysts to win

closure of pain
closure of efforts to hide pain

closure of love
closure of wanting more of it

closure of expectations
closure of frustrations

closure of happiness
closure of mindless laughter

closure of trust
closure of getting stabbed in the back

closure of life
closure of fights to live

the beast within..

he said the dooms day is here,
wake up , shake up and run there

there is were you would find him,
he waits to be unleashed and without u the chances for that are grim

u reach there and unshackle him ,
unshackle the chains which were holding the beast within

the beast within was born long ago,when for the first time u were betrayed,
it grew bigger and stronger with every sacrifice u made

he was dark & gory , hungry & insane,
he was ready to kill and feed on everything around and every one who seemed sane

he wanted to avenge my defeats and revenge my past,
slay all who stabbed me and cut through there mask

shatter their life's and break their bones,
murder their dreams and burn their homes

he would make me stronger and ill regain what i have lost,
the power,the glory,the aura ,the respect which i have missed the most.

i shall rule he said , and they shall worship you,
i shall be the king , and they shall role in dust and hue

i was about to unshackle him and start the wreath,
but i stopped and shaked and then took a deep breath

wondered would i be happy , wondered if i ll go mad,
thought of the past and the future and then killed him instead....

so what if i was pushed a bit ,so what i was sometimes canned..
i am contended , i am loved by those who matter and i am a happier man...